I\u2019ll admit.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s still a work in progress\u2014taking on the role of Atlas. Holding a strained position, head cocked to the sky, back arched in accepted pain\u2014all while looking to the stars in an attempt to divine some pathway to take other than this revolution of past transgressions. Even so, I\u2019ve found myself taking steps\u2014sort of feeling out a path even while blind.<\/p>\n
For starters, I added a new major, so as of now, I am an English, Theatre Arts, and Japanese Language and Literature major. This was all conceived behind a curtain opposite you all, yes, but it\u2019s been a long time coming. I suppose when you get a high from learning new grammar rules or the meaning of a word you\u2019ve heard before that the love for that language must be real; and if that be the case then, while I may be married and devoted to the English language, I\u2019ve taken up quite a steamy affair with Japanese.<\/p>\n
From a more positive standpoint though, learning a new language is very humbling. For someone who thrives in the complexity and diversity of the English language, being forced to revert to a sort of linguistic childishness\u2014hanging onto new words, sputtering like a defective faucet\u2014is incredibly satisfying. Becoming fluent in Japanese has also taken a hefty space beside the rest of my goals\u2014right next to winning a Pulitzer Prize and earning a PhD\u2026<\/p>\n
You\u2019re not the only one who\u2019s been blind to the alterations I\u2019ve undergone, though…<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been caught unawares by them myself, and what I thought could be worms rolling about beneath my skin were actually changes I myself couldn\u2019t recognize\u2014most of which I still can\u2019t properly identify and comprehend. With that said, I\u2019ve taken to searching within myself\u2014revisiting old mental spaces within and bearing witness to parts of myself I no longer recognize. Not because they\u2019re not me, no, but because I can\u2019t for the life of me understand why they were there to begin with\u2014almost like old clothes that faded to the back of the wardrobe.<\/p>\n
In fact these pieces of me were almost like costumes themselves.<\/p>\n
While they were made in the image of Austin, there\u2019s only so much you can create with sticks and stones or needle and thread, and while I don\u2019t necessarily fault myself for utilizing these masquerades, it is difficult to realize you\u2019ve hidden yourself for so long. Not because you were scared. Not because the cloth was soft and warm, and not because you didn\u2019t know yourself.<\/p>\n
Only because it was difficult to wriggle your way out of something so comfortably restrictive.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t help that people are attracted to costumes as well\u2014drawn to their flagrant personalities and \u201cauthenticity\u201d\u2014and while I made these austins with Austin in mind, they never quite came out right\u2014 Simply put, I became too busy attempting to be genuine that I neglected to actually and freely show myself to the world. So that\u2019s what these words are.<\/p>\n These words are me.<\/p>\n I thought I lost them, I really and truly did, and there were weeks on months that I felt my time as a delicate, passionate, abortive weaver of words had passed and that worms had taken residence within me instead\u2014praying on the remains of past successes, errors, words, me(s)\u2014but now I realize that these words\u2014this me<\/em>\u2014never goes away. It only changes.<\/p>\n Like me.<\/p>\n I changed. I change. I\u2019m changing.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know why or how, but it\u2019s happening, and it\u2019s terrible. Terrible because mistakes are made in growth. Soil, concrete, stone\u2014it all shifts the same when a root decides to be strong, and mine are flexing alright. Coiling, wrapping, twisting as they stretch out for my sake\u2014searching for more reasons to change beneath the soil of my skin.<\/p>\n It\u2019s wonderful though.<\/p>\n Wonderful because the costumes fade away\u2014the pretty leaves and flowers and distractions\u2014leaving the beauty of unapologetic existence\u2014gnarled and twisted insides my roots have worked so hard for.<\/p>\n Wonderful because I am reaching for something. Death impending, impediment impending\u2014somewhere somehow, I am stretching towards something greater I could not reach a moment, day, month, year, ago.<\/p>\n Wonderful because it\u2019s me\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ll admit. It\u2019s still a work in progress\u2014taking on the role of Atlas. Holding a strained position, head cocked to the sky, back arched in accepted pain\u2014all while looking to the stars in an attempt to divine some pathway to take other than this revolution of past transgressions. Even so, I\u2019ve found myself taking steps\u2014sort … Continue reading College a.k.a. Changes<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":76,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/76"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=54"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":55,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions\/55"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=54"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=54"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.admissions.uiowa.edu\/austin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=54"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}failed alchemy of self<\/del>\u2014which is why I decided to do away with the needle and thread and opt for the pen and pad instead\u2026<\/p>\n
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