Hello, my dear readers!

It has been a wild month so far (and it’s only been two weeks!). I have much to share.

My first blog was titled How To: Move to College, so why am I now moving out? Don’t worry, I’m not dropping out or anything drastic. I had to change rooms, as some people do, because my living situation was deteriorating. In this installation of How To, I will be sharing why I moved out of my original dorm room, and some tips on how to avoid having to follow in my footsteps.

My ex-roommate has a boyfriend. My current roommate also has one, but in the two weeks I have been living with her, I haven’t seen him. However, it was rare that three days would pass and my ex-roommate’s boyfriend was not in our dorm, hanging out, sleeping over, and using our kitchen and shower. In my effort to avoid fighting with my roommate, I let it all slide. I was terrified of fighting with her, when usually I possess enough sense and confidence to advocate for myself. In this case, I did not want to sour our relationship and make living with her difficult. Ultimately, it didn’t matter; living in that room became unbearable anyway. If my dorm is supposed to be a place I can retreat to and relax in, I was on edge in my room, always worried that the boyfriend would be there when I arrived or show up and shatter the peace. 

My final straw was when he came into our room at 3a.m., against her will, while I was sleeping, and refused to leave for two hours. It’s safe to say that I never wanted to see him again. When she brought him back to the dorm later that week, I told her in no uncertain terms that he was not allowed to spend the night. She didn’t care, and he slept over. 

This was my last straw; a clear instance of disrespect, on top of all the smaller events I had refused to lay at my roommate’s feet. I knew then that I would never have peace because neither of them respected me; perhaps I could have put the pieces together sooner, but again, I wanted to avoid fighting with my roommate so badly that I refused to assign blame to her, even though she is an adult and fully responsible for her actions. Luckily, by this point, I had already put in a room change request. I waited two weeks before receiving an offer, and a week after he stayed over that last time, I was gone.

All of this is to say that living with people is hard, and living with a perfect stranger is harder! While it’s important to respect your roommate, you also must prioritize your peace. It is ok to take up space in your room! I was afraid to do that, and my situation worsened for it. 

If I could do it all again, here’s what I would do:

• Set firm and specific boundaries during my roommate agreement. I knew I was uncomfortable with the boyfriend in the room all the time, so instead of hedging around the issue, I wish I had simply stated my feelings. If my roommate wanted to discuss, we could compromise. Once something is in writing, a person can be held to it. Use that space to discuss everything: policies on spending the night, activities that are allowed in the dorm, notice periods if someone is going to come over, bedtimes, cleaning schedules; anything and everything you can think of. Be firm and be confident, but remember to be kind. Mutual respect is the building block of a healthy roommate relationship, not fear or appeasement. Set boundaries early and nip problems in the bud. If something bothers you, say so! There’s nothing worse than letting a problem fester.
• Communicate more firmly. If, like me, you beat around the bush during your roommate agreement, that is ok! Boundaries are flexible, so communicate if they change. When I tried to do so, I was gentle, accommodating, and nervous. I needed to be assertive because problems will persist if you don’t address them properly. Be confident and speak your mind. If you need support, a trusted friend or RA can mediate the conversation. 
• Speaking of, go to your RA. This is one thing I would not change about my approach because my RA was AMAZING throughout this whole situation. He was nonjudgmental and gave me a lot of the advice I am now sharing with you. RAs also have bosses, so if the situation gets really out of control and they can’t handle it, someone else can. 

Moving out was the best decision for me. Lots of the time, though, roommates don’t have conflicts or can resolve them quickly by having a conversation. The moral of the story is: The University of Iowa wants to help its students live and learn to the best of their ability. One of the perks of attending such a big university is that you have a huge support system available, and I highly recommend utilizing it. While I had a pretty bad time with my first roommate, with the help of my RA and University Housing and Dining, I was able to change that situation. My new roommate is really sweet and even helped me move in with her! I could go on and on about the resources available here; it really amazes me how much the university supports its students and faculty. Maybe my next blog will be about everything I’ve discovered during my first semester 🙂 

Well, thank you, dear readers, for sticking this one out with me. Hopefully, your November has been more peaceful than mine, and happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone gets a well-deserved break. 

I’ll catch you in the next one! 
Kiah<3