Hi everyone!

I can’t believe we’re in the month of December! It feels like yesterday that we were counting down to the year 2022 at home with our friends and family. I can only imagine what this new year is going to bring, but I can only hope it’ll consist of cool classes, more fun experiences, and a lot less homework. But before we fully dive into the new year, there is still this chilly, last month of December and everything it has to offer. Including, our on-campus event, Mirage, that occurred this past weekend.

For those of you who don’t know what Mirage is, it’s a drag show here at the University of Iowa that offers free HIV testing, a condom casino, and, of course, a four-hour-long drag show! It’s one of the university’s biggest events in the wintertime and it happens right before finals. During the event, hundreds of students come out to partake in the games, get free stuff, and watch the drag queens strut on stage. It’s a lot of fun, super memorable, and definitely one of the coolest events that the campus holds.

While I’m not a drag queen, I am a choreographer for the largest multicultural organization at the university called Walk It Out. This year, Walk It Out was granted the opportunity to be the halftime show during the event, however, we were granted this opportunity with only a two-week notice. That’s right, we had to choreograph a fifteen-minute halftime show in two weeks, and one of those weeks was actually Thanksgiving break.

Hearing this and being a choreographer for the very first time only added to my nerves. I remember the pressure I felt as I sat in my room and got the confirmation on Zoom with the rest of my team. After the meeting, I called my boyfriend in tears, flipping through my calendar in a panic as I tried to rationalize how I was going to do it. At the moment, it felt impossible.

But I’m so fortunate that I wasn’t alone.

So many East Asian models (the group that I choreograph for) offered to help by model walking or dancing, even though I asked them so last minute. In just a few short days, my group and I had a dance duet, a couple of models who were going to do a model walk, and then my sword performance (a segment I did last year for the official Walk It Out showcase in the spring) ready for the stage.

In a whirlwind, it all came together, and on the day of the show, it felt like nothing could go wrong.

But then, only a few hours before we were expected to perform, we did our first massive rehearsal with all the cultural groups, only to find out that my group’s music hadn’t been cut properly. There were a few minutes of panic where I frantically called our music producer who was able to fix everything in a couple minutes. Just like that, we were right back on schedule. The rest of the practice consisted of a few stage runs, and then, it was time to get ready and perform.

When it was only an hour from performing, we spent some time stretching together, practicing, talking, and, of course, laughing as those nerves started to set in. I remember that bundle in my stomach growing larger and larger as I squeezed out laughs and mustered up smiles. Even as a group leader whose done this in the past, it can be tough to put on a brave face and perform. For this performance, in particular, I had already been told that I would be the opening act for our show, so the pressure to set the tone was on, and I did not want to screw that up!

Before we knew it, our time was up, and just before midnight, we got the confirmation to start setting up backstage.

In the skinny, dingy, white-walled hallway before the stairs leading into the darkness of backstage, we continued to share anxious laughs and smiles. I remember how clammy my hands felt and the number of times I tugged on my collar, swallowing at a dry mouth. My nerves were at an all-time high and doubt quickly crept in with only a few minutes before it was time to perform.

Part of the reason for those intense nerves was that I had only practiced my sword performance a few times and I hadn’t practiced the segment at all with a Kiyap. For those of you who don’t know, a Kiyap in taekwondo (Korean martial arts) is an exhale made at certain points during a performance. “Exhale” is a bit of a generous term; think of it more as a scream! Because it can be so loud, I typically don’t practice my Kiyaps until I get on stage, and there’s always that slice of doubt I get when I wonder if I can still do it. This specific performance was no different.

It was only a few minutes in that cramped hallway before we got the okay to go up and, all of a sudden, I was right behind the black curtains, the sword at my back, and my head down as I tried to control my breathing. My toes were just an inch from the light and the audience’s view. Around me, the sound of the crowd muffled into white noise.

I always get the question of whether or not I’m nervous to perform and the answer is always yes, because who wouldn’t be?

But there’s this moment with only seconds before the music begins where this overwhelming calm washes over me. The nerves vanish and that calm allows me to focus and transform into whatever version of myself I need to portray on stage. Seconds before I was about to perform, that exact feeling hit me, and I readjusted the grip on my sword, listened to the first beats of music, lifted my head, and walked into the spotlight.

The performance lasted about forty seconds, yet it felt like it went on forever. In a way, it still feels like it’s going on. I can still hear the Kiyaps I let out from deep in my chest (all the frustration and stress from finals finally paying off) and I can still feel the weight of my sword in my hands. There are still rug burns on my knees from when I had to kneel and spin, and my hamstrings are still sore from all the kicks I pulled. I still remember my boyfriend, Riley, cheering from the back of the room and two of the models from last year’s Walk It Out performance, Maddie and Jason, screaming with excitement in the front row.

By the very end, I knew I had nailed it, and the rest of the performance carried on just as flawlessly.

Afterward, I couldn’t help but think about how I hadn’t performed on stage since the Walk It Out showcase last year, and just a taste of being able to perform again reminded me of how much I adore this organization and the community we’ve built. It brings together the most amazing people and I’m so grateful that I was able to perform with all of them again before the semester and the year is out.

For those of you who didn’t get the chance to watch us perform at Mirage, Walk It Out’s Big Show will be on April 1st in the Iowa Memorial Union. Come out to support your friends, families, and the multicultural community here at the University of Iowa. I promise you won’t want to miss out on what we have in store for everyone.

That’s all for me! Good luck with finals and see you guys soon!